It has come to my attention while watching football that those people who fill the areas around the field often join together to spew utter gibberish towards the game that they love. I have attempted to gather some of the worse examples of this dirge, and suggest improvements to lyrics incorporating truth and accuracy where possible.
“You’re Not Singing Any More”
At a very basic level of manners, you’re taught not to talk over people, and to let them finish before you interrupt. As such, telling a group of people that they’re not singing is the equivalent of waiting for someone to stop talking and saying ‘I’m talking now, I’m talking now, I’m talking now’ so they don’t interrupt you.
Would Be Better: “We are taking the opportunity to sing”
“Shall We Sing A Song For You”
This is a song sung by one group of humans to another. It is, remember, a song. It is, remember, being sung. Thus the whole premise of ‘Shall we sing a song’ is moot, because the offer refers to something that is already, albeit perhaps unwittingly, occurring. Would Be Better: “This song is for you”
“We Can See You Sneaking Out”
This is sung, generally, towards the end of a game that a team has been beaten as their fans vacate the stands, knowing the game is lost. To be focusing on the seats being vacated suggests the level of entertainment afforded by the victorious team is not as great as it might be, and that spending their time watching the fans leave the stadium is preferable to watching the end of a game their team has won.
Would Be Better: “We assume you’re sneaking out”
“He’s Here, He’s There, He’s Every-*******-Where”
When praising a diligent player, supporters seem to place either themselves on the pitch, or the player in the stands. Of course, neither of those things is true, nor is the player omniscient. He is not ‘here’ in the terms of the fans. He is, and forever will be, ‘there’. He is also, unlikely, to be everywhere, though can give the illusion of it by appearing when least expected in different areas of the pitch.
Would Be Better: “He’s there, now he’s there, he can pop up anywhere”
“And its XXXXX, XXXXX XXXX FC! We’re by far the greatest team the world has ever seen”
This is a song of triumph, sung so that fans of Northampton Town can imagine they are watching the AC Milan of the 1989/90 season after they have scraped a point against Rochdale. It is, without doubt, an exaggeration. If either team on display were the greatest team the world has ever seen, then it would not need saying; much less would they be playing outside the very top echelons of the game. It would speak for its self. It means that the singers either have little football experience, very low standards, or exceedingly short memories.
Would Be Better: “And its XXXXXX, XXXXXX XXXX FC, we have played alright today, but this is more relief than joy.”
“He Scores When He Wants, He Scores When He Wants, XXXXXX, He Scores When He Wants”
When a striker is in good form, this little ditty has appeared over recent seasons to proclaim their virility in front of goal. As has been pointed out in countless locations, strikers always want to score. They don’t hit shots hoping to hit the woodwork, nor head towards goal hoping the goalkeepers save the effort. If taken as with the set of ALWAYS WANTING, then yes, the occasions a goal is scored will subset within that period of desire for a striker, but it would be just as accurate to state ‘He scores during known human history’ though because of its generality removes some of the piquancy of demand suggested in the original.
Would Be Better: “He currently scores more often than normal, he currently scores more often than normal, XXXXXX is having a good spell.”
“Soft Southern ********”/”Dirty Northern *******”
When a player representing a southern club appears injured (even if losing either blood or a limb) in the north of England, you will hear the former. If the incident occurs at the home of the southern club, you will hear the latter. This is the different geographical areas playing on their pre-conceptions of their guests for the day, without considering the player in question – indeed, a player could be born in Hartlepool, but finds himself playing for Bournemouth at Oldham, and would still be described thus.
Would Be Better: “You’re not really injured, you’re not really injured, na-na-na-na”/ “That was too physical, that was too physical”
“XXXX are going/staying up, XXXX are going/staying up, and now you’re gonna believe us, and now you’re gonna believe us, XXXX are going/staying up”
There is a rebuke implied in this song, suggesting there was a point wherein the singers suggested they had posited this theory previously, but been met with disapproval. That, invariably, is not the case. Seldom at the beginning of games do you hear people singing ‘You will in future believe us’, they simply look to claim the glory that comes with being proven correct without any of the pain of prediction. Would Be Better: “XXXX have won today, XXXX have won today, we didn’t dare think it would happen, we didn’t dare think it would happen, XXXX have won today”
“I wanna go home, I wanna go home, XXXX is a ****hole, I wanna go home”
I recently arrived in this town/city, and having paid only cursory attention to the urban area itself, I made my way to the football ground wherein I stand abusing something I made a point of ignoring. Furthermore, should my desire to travel home reach the point wherein I decide I must do so, nobody would prevent me travelling home, though admittedly the logistics would prove difficult if I have a pre-booked train ticket or used organised group transport.
Would Be Better: “Later I’ll go home, later I’ll go home, wish I’d arrived earlier, later I’ll go home”
”Que sera, sera, what ever will be, will be, we’re going to Wemb-er-lee, que sera sera
This cup classic is unleashed less frequently than it used to be, but it still often used at deeply inappropriate times; indeed, most of the clubs who get to the point of being able to confirm the statement implied within the song are old hands at visiting Wembley, and probably wouldn’t think it worthy of a mention. As such, those that do more often sing it tend to do so after a dramatic goal (ideally in a replay) that helps them defeat a team of a similar level and, perhaps eventually, be eliminated by a team as mentioned before.
Would Be Better: “Que sera, sera, what ever will be, will be, here comes a cup victory, que sera sera”
”Oh, I’d rather be a sausage than an egg, yes I’d rather be a sausage than an egg, oh, I’d rather be a sausage, rather be a sausage, rather be a sausage than an egg”
Occasionally, large groups of people have spent a little bit too much time together. When this occurs, It is possible that they would converse about which item of a limited sized fried breakfast they would like to embody should the chance arise. If they reach a consensus decision, then they may well decide that singing that decision in a televised first round FA Cup tie against Huddersfield Town is a wise idea. This may well mentally scar those people who hear it for a great many years (though, admittedly, it remains preferable to your chants about the Yorkshire Ripper)
Would Be Better: SILENCE, followed by a short period of introspection to think about what you nearly did.